How to Stop People Pleasing

Have you ever cared more about what other people think than your own internal judgement?

You might find yourself saying no to that but then deep-down feel that other people often take priority in your life above your own wants and needs. People pleasing can be subtle like that!

I’ve been guilty of people pleasing to an extent where I have lost what makes me happy in the past. Sometimes the boundaries can get blurred. It wasn’t until recently that I started digging into why I like keeping people happy and how to change that part of my personality for good.

It started with book club. If you know me, you know that I love reading books. So, it naturally made sense that I would read a book to learn how to change something.

This month’s book was called Please Yourself: How to Stop People Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live. It’s written by Emma Reed Turrell.

I can quite honestly say that it was a very interesting and eye-opening read. It got me to think about ways that I unknowingly try to people please (as have we all at one point or another, we’re all human).

It starts with an introduction into the four people pleasing profiles and then, chapter by chapter, discusses the various aspects of life where people pleasing can show up. For example, at work, in relationships, online and the difference between men and women as people pleasers.

 The key takeaway for me from the book is in learning what makes me happy and learning to trust my own internal judgement but also taking advice from others to help build my internal judgement by practice. It’s about listening to advice and opinions of other people but then deciding what you will ultimately use and what you will discard. Will you make mistakes doing things your own way? Sure! But the result is that you learn bit by bit how to trust your own judgement and in turn to support others. 

The message I also really liked was where Emma talks about how by learning to please yourself you often give other people the permission to do the same. It’s about learning to be strong enough to be the example rather than the one who follows. This takes time and courage.

If you’ve ever struggled with people pleasing in the past or find that it keeps coming up in your everyday life I strongly recommend reading this book. There are so many suggestions ,questions and prompts to get you thinking about where you people please and how to approach your life with a fresh perspective.